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An Open Letter to my Misbehaving Toaster

All > "Art" > Literature > Humor > An Open Letter to my Misbehaving Toaster by jlcoke

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You're better than this. Rather, at one point I thought you were. I remember taking you home from the store, wrapped tightly in your shiny packaging. "This is going to be a long and prosperous relationship," I remember thinking to myself as I glanced over at you in the passenger seat on the drive home. For weeks I couldn't help but smile each time I passed you sitting proudly atop my kitchen counter. Nestled between the microwave and the cookbooks, you had the world by the tail. You had everything, and you've gone and ruined it.

When you first came into my life you could toast a bagel to perfection. The face was always an even golden brown, not too crispy and not too soft. Just perfect. Remember that time we made eggs benedict together? I cooked the eggs, and you toasted the English muffins. God, we were such a perfect team. I was so proud of you. I loved you.

But that's all gone now. You don't toast evenly anymore. You're not even consistent. Sometimes you burn, sometimes you don't toast enough; all this on the same setting! It's like your heart isn't in it anymore. It's so sad to see you giving up on the one activity we shared together for so many years. I fed you an Eggo this morning, and you burned just one half of it. Charred and black on one side, soggy and cool on the other. I TRUSTED YOU! I gave you my breakfast, and you betrayed me!

Is there someone else? Are you toasting my roommate's waffles? Are they getting the once perfect golden brown that you had always saved for me?

I have something to tell you that has been weighing heavily on my heart for some time now. Ever since you burned that flat bread a few months ago, I've been looking for someone else. Now, don't be mad at me, please. I just feel that it is time for us to go our separate ways. She's a newer model, a Cuisinart. I don't want to hurt you, and I wasn't sure if I should even tell you this, but I feel you have a right to know. She's chrome. I know how you feel about that, but as a plain white kitchen appliance, you're just going to have to learn to get over it. I'm sorry, but I love her and she's moving in with me next week. She hasn't toasted any of my breads though; I was always faithful to you. Always.

So this is what it's come to? I'm so sorry things couldn't work out between us, but this morning's Eggo fiasco was the straw the broke the camel's back. Even though this is goodbye, I hope that you can look back on the good times we had together. The bagels, the waffles, the white, and the wheat. Goodbye, and I hope you find happiness.

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