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Dear Ms. Waananen

All > "Art" > Literature > Humor > Dear Ms. Waananen by jlcoke

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The student-run newspaper at my college featured an open letter from a student to the top tax bracket chastising them for not investing in education. "Dear Top Tax Bracket" rebuked the habits of the rich and their predatory lending to the poor, so I decided to respond as if I were one of the wealthy elite, which I most assuredly am not. What follows is the original letter, and my response appears below.

Dear top tax bracket,

The other day I was reading the newspaper while I enjoyed my Top Ramen noodles, and I saw that you are retaining an average of $500,000 a year because of President Bush's investment tax cuts.

I also read a story about the new budget law that affects federal loans for college students. Interest rates will increase and students will no longer be able to consolidate loans while in college. The maximum Pell Grant, awarded to the lowest income students, will not increase for the fifth year in a row. Meanwhile, average public college tuition has increased 40 percent during that same amount of time, four times the rate of inflation.

Right now the average student at a four-year public college graduates with $17,600 in debt, and that's before graduate school. They don't count the students who have to drop out because of the costs. State legislatures are routinely cutting funding for their universities, and the schools have no choice but to transfer the burden of operating and construction costs to the students. Credit card companies prey on students who often find themselves buried under suffocating amounts of debt and pinned with the scarlet letter of bad credit.

After reading these stories, I realized how hard it must be to have so much money you don't know what to spend it on. When you don't get to automatically split your paycheck between tuition, rent and debt, I suppose you actually have to thoughtfully consider what to do with it.

Well, I thought long and hard about your predicament, and I might just have the solution.

Proponents say these tax cuts are good, because the more money that you have, the more you'll invest to create new jobs and expand the economy. That's when it suddenly occurred to me that you could also invest in the people who are being educated to fill these new jobs. Invest in a college student, and own a share of the future.

Because I'm a college student, you might suspect I have personal interest in this proposition. You bet I do! I hereby volunteer myself to serve as guinea pig for all of you who are wondering whether this outlandish idea could actually work. Imagine all my papers turned in with a distinctive line at the bottom: "This education generously sponsored by [YOUR NAME HERE]." This deal could even come with the guarantee that if you don't feel like a better person within a month, your donation would be refunded to you in full.

The New York Times reported there are 6,126 of you with an annual income of more than $10 million. The average $521,905 that just one of you saves annually could pay my out-of-state tuition for 35 years, but I promise I won't need more than four. Paying for a year of my education would proportionately be no greater a cost to you than if I dropped a quarter on the sidewalk.

Economic growth in this country will be superficial if we can't count on an educated workforce representing diverse socioeconomic backgrounds. You may think I'm being facetious about all of this, but it is not a joke to the thousands of college students who will have to drop out this year due to rising costs. This is the perfect opportunity to prove that lower taxes lead to greater philanthropic freedom, and not just greater wealth disparity. Please invest in the future of this country by contributing to institutions of higher education.

Sincerely,

Lisa Waananen


Dear Ms. Waananen,

As a shareholder in Toyo Suisan, the parent company of Maruchan Noodles, I wish to thank you for your recent endorsement of our Top Ramen brand ramen noodles. With the global economy rebounding steadily from the lull of the past few years, I imagine that you can appreciate my concerns that our Top Ramen brand ramen noodles might fall by the wayside as low-income consumers turn their attention to "premium" goods such as ground chuck or Campbell's soups. I wish to personally thank you for your dedication to our brands.

It's fine consumers like you, Ms Waananen, that keep the wheels of commerce turning, the industrial machine well-oiled, and most importantly, ensure that I will never experience an inability to purchase fuel for any of my luxury automobiles and boats. With the cost of jet A fuel rising, a number of my associates have expressed deep concern that they may have to cut down on the number of Cancun lunches they take in a given week. Your letter, however, has warmed all of our hearts and allayed our fears; I can't tell you how much better I sleep on my fine Egyptian cotton sheets knowing that consumers like you still care.

You expressed a great deal of animosity toward the predatory lending of credit card companies and the rising level of debt amongst the student population; not cool. Any reduction in borrowing on your part has a direct result on the performance of my domestic banking investments, and I don't think I need to tell you what happens when I fail to see the astronomical returns I expect each year. That's right, I shift my money to the foreign debt market, and right now the hot ticket is China. Need I remind you that China is a Communist state? You don't want me to have to support the Communists, do you Comrade? I didn't think so. So buy, buy, buy, and remember that it's 0% APR for 6 months, so you can afford to live a little and buy a whole case of Top Ramen brand ramen noodles, and I can afford that new yacht I've had my eye on.

Don't kid yourself sweetheart, it's rough at the top; the middle or lower class is where you want to be. Each day I wake up and I'm assaulted with an overwhelming array of decisions to make. Which fine Italian suit do I wear? Do I play tennis or golf? Shall I drive myself to the country club in the new Porsche, or will I have my chauffer drive me in the classic Bentley? Decisions, decisions, decisions. I'd like to say I'd give anything just to be in your shoes, but someone has to do this job, and I don't believe in pawning responsibility off on others, though I'd trade it all for a little bit more.
In closing, I wish you luck in your consumption, and hope that you will continue to make Maruchan Top Ramen brand ramen noodles a staple of your diet.


Sincerely,


Joshua L. Coke, Esquire

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