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I'm Giving up Jesus for Lent: A Brief Analysis of Contemporary Morality

All > "Art" > Literature > Humor > I'm Giving up Jesus for Lent: A Brief Analysis of Contemporary Morality by jlcoke

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It isn't often that we're given the opportunity to sit back and reflect deeply on our lives; our achievements and talents, our follies and our faults. New years is one such occasion, and millions of well-intentioned folks the world over resolve each January to better themselves in one way or another. Upstanding Christians like myself, however, are blessed with another opportunity, Lent, to give up those habits we've accumulated over the years that take away from our service to God. Some people fast and others quit smoking, but not me. No, this year I'm giving up Jesus for Lent.

Like everything I do for the good Lord himself, I plan to throw myself completely into this project. No half-assing it, no screwing around and just giving up a little Jesus, I'm going all the way and kicking his ass to the curb. For forty days, I'll serve the Lord by being the best damned godless heathen I can be!

This isn't going to be some walk in the park like one of those pussy sacrifices either. Giving up chocolate? I'm not impressed, fatty, and neither is the big man upstairs. Mine is the kind of sacrifice that takes hard work and dedication; the spirit of a true champion. On Sunday mornings when the rest of the flock are singing their hymns and dreaming of chocolate and cigarettes, there I'll be in my back yard, worshipping a burning Pagan god, completely nude of course. While they're busy reading their Bibles and saying their prayers, I'll be drunk on Thunderbird at 10:00 in the morning, screaming obscenities at the neighbor's kids and rocking "Slow Ride" while I dance in the front lawn. What's that? You're going to feed the homeless, you say? Not me, amigo. I'll be right behind you, stealing whatever sandwiches and canned goods you dropped on those filthy suckers.

I've taken the liberty of lining the trunk of my car with plastic sheeting, and while I was back there I went ahead and stashed a shovel and a bag of lye. If there is one thing I've learned in my years at church, it's that there's no telling what I might do without the ever-watchful eyes of Jesus looking out for me, and at this point I'm not saying that needing to dispose of a hooker is outside the realm of possibility. It's always best to be prepared, you know.

To the untrained observer, it may look as though I've forsaken all that is holy. Not true, my friends. With every Schlitz Bull Ice I pound, and every elderly woman I mug, I'm coming that much closer to our Lord and savior. When my forty days are up, the big man and I are going to be so tight I'll probably be Vice Jesus or something. So good luck, suckers. Keep singing those hymns and quit eating the chocolate, we'll see who comes out on top.

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