cre.ations.net http://cre.ations.net/ A haven for creators and makers, cre.ations.net is the place to quickly publish anything you've created. Free and easy! en-us Copyright 2006, cre.ations.net Tue, 13 May 2008 18:51:09 -0500 Tue, 13 May 2008 18:51:09 -0500 custom http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss <![CDATA[Harold the Crab Vacuum]]> Created by jlcoke 48 weeks ago: "I was riding the monorail back to my hotel in Las Vegas, drunk on "free" booze after losing my money playing blackjack all night, when I looked up and saw that the person sitting across the aisle from me was wearing a sticker that proudly announced, "I lost 74 pounds, ask me how!" The number was crudely scrawled in felt pen with the unmistakable handwriting of a junkie strung out on a bacon high and looked out of place amongst the neatly printed block letters that framed it. Even more out of place was the sticker itself when you consider that a man erupting sweat from every greasy pore and teetering on the brink of morbid obesity was wearing it. His suit was much too small and his shirt buttons looked like they were ready to explode from the pressure of his belly against the sweat-stained polyester. The area between the buttons was stretched apart, allowing his stomach to peer out of its synthetic fabric prison and come out for air in two-inch increments, the whole ensemble roughly..."

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]]> Created by jlcoke 48 weeks ago: "I was riding the monorail back to my hotel in Las Vegas, drunk on "free" booze after losing my money playing blackjack all night, when I looked up and saw that the person sitting across the aisle from me was wearing a sticker that proudly announced, "I lost 74 pounds, ask me how!" The number was crudely scrawled in felt pen with the unmistakable handwriting of a junkie strung out on a bacon high and looked out of place amongst the neatly printed block letters that framed it. Even more out of place was the sticker itself when you consider that a man erupting sweat from every greasy pore and teetering on the brink of morbid obesity was wearing it. His suit was much too small and his shirt buttons looked like they were ready to explode from the pressure of his belly against the sweat-stained polyester. The area between the buttons was stretched apart, allowing his stomach to peer out of its synthetic fabric prison and come out for air in two-inch increments, the whole ensemble roughly..."

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]]> http://cre.ations.net/creation/harold-the-crab-vacuum http://cre.ations.net/creation/harold-the-crab-vacuum Humor Fri, 08 Jun 2007 23:52:07 -0500 <![CDATA[I Will Never Be Dizzy Gillespie]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "Like most mothers, mine had a somewhat inflexible opinion of how children should be raised. At key points in a child's life, new experiences and skills should be introduced in order for them to reach their maximum potential. Strict adherence to her plan for childrearing would virtually guarantee that her children would surpass their peers at all levels and eventually come to be regarded by history as humanity's greatest treasures. Like most plans that lead to a lofted place in history and the flawless shaping of a young mind, hers had a few minor kinks. My mother would often announce to my brother and me that we would be starting a new hobby or learning a skill that she deemed vital for success. Some of these were quite useful, and I'm forever grateful for the day when I learned why you aren't supposed to stick forks in the light socket. Others were less helpful, like the week we learned to walk down the stairs with books balanced on our heads; a skill most young boys don't..."

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]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "Like most mothers, mine had a somewhat inflexible opinion of how children should be raised. At key points in a child's life, new experiences and skills should be introduced in order for them to reach their maximum potential. Strict adherence to her plan for childrearing would virtually guarantee that her children would surpass their peers at all levels and eventually come to be regarded by history as humanity's greatest treasures. Like most plans that lead to a lofted place in history and the flawless shaping of a young mind, hers had a few minor kinks. My mother would often announce to my brother and me that we would be starting a new hobby or learning a skill that she deemed vital for success. Some of these were quite useful, and I'm forever grateful for the day when I learned why you aren't supposed to stick forks in the light socket. Others were less helpful, like the week we learned to walk down the stairs with books balanced on our heads; a skill most young boys don't..."

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]]> http://cre.ations.net/creation/i-will-never-be-dizzy-gillespie http://cre.ations.net/creation/i-will-never-be-dizzy-gillespie Humor Tue, 08 Aug 2006 10:28:34 -0500 <![CDATA[The Gillette Fusion Defines Me as a Person]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "I'm a can-do, take-charge, go-getter who doesn't have time for bullshit. I like my coffee black, my cars fast, and my music loud. I'm climbing the corporate ladder, kicking ass and taking names. With this kind of fast-paced, conquer-the-world kind of lifestyle, is it any wonder that the Gillette Fusion is the razor that defines me as a person? A man like me can't afford to be seen guiding some puny little single-bladed piece of crap Bic across his face each morning. Bic makes pens, and what's more they make pens for losers. Have you ever seen the president sign a bill with one of those things? I rest my case. You know who buys shitty plastic razors 24 to a pack? The unwashed masses, that's who, and I'll be damned if I'm one of those suckers. No, my razor has five, count 'em, FIVE blades. Lubricating comfort strips, a textured aluminum handle, and most important of all, only one to a pack. That's right, I stand alone. Like the display at the end of the isle, I'm proud to be..."

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]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "I'm a can-do, take-charge, go-getter who doesn't have time for bullshit. I like my coffee black, my cars fast, and my music loud. I'm climbing the corporate ladder, kicking ass and taking names. With this kind of fast-paced, conquer-the-world kind of lifestyle, is it any wonder that the Gillette Fusion is the razor that defines me as a person? A man like me can't afford to be seen guiding some puny little single-bladed piece of crap Bic across his face each morning. Bic makes pens, and what's more they make pens for losers. Have you ever seen the president sign a bill with one of those things? I rest my case. You know who buys shitty plastic razors 24 to a pack? The unwashed masses, that's who, and I'll be damned if I'm one of those suckers. No, my razor has five, count 'em, FIVE blades. Lubricating comfort strips, a textured aluminum handle, and most important of all, only one to a pack. That's right, I stand alone. Like the display at the end of the isle, I'm proud to be..."

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]]> http://cre.ations.net/creation/the-gillette-fusion-defines-me-as-a-person http://cre.ations.net/creation/the-gillette-fusion-defines-me-as-a-person Humor Fri, 21 Jul 2006 13:09:02 -0500 <![CDATA[Dear Ms. Waananen]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "The student-run newspaper at my college featured an open letter from a student to the top tax bracket chastising them for not investing in education. "Dear Top Tax Bracket" rebuked the habits of the rich and their predatory lending to the poor, so I decided to respond as if I were one of the wealthy elite, which I most assuredly am not. What follows is the original letter, and my response appears below. Dear top tax bracket, The other day I was reading the newspaper while I enjoyed my Top Ramen noodles, and I saw that you are retaining an average of $500,000 a year because of President Bush's investment tax cuts. I also read a story about the new budget law that affects federal loans for college students. Interest rates will increase and students will no longer be able to consolidate loans while in college. The maximum Pell Grant, awarded to the lowest income students, will not increase for the fifth year in a row. Meanwhile, average public college tuition has increased 40..."

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]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "The student-run newspaper at my college featured an open letter from a student to the top tax bracket chastising them for not investing in education. "Dear Top Tax Bracket" rebuked the habits of the rich and their predatory lending to the poor, so I decided to respond as if I were one of the wealthy elite, which I most assuredly am not. What follows is the original letter, and my response appears below. Dear top tax bracket, The other day I was reading the newspaper while I enjoyed my Top Ramen noodles, and I saw that you are retaining an average of $500,000 a year because of President Bush's investment tax cuts. I also read a story about the new budget law that affects federal loans for college students. Interest rates will increase and students will no longer be able to consolidate loans while in college. The maximum Pell Grant, awarded to the lowest income students, will not increase for the fifth year in a row. Meanwhile, average public college tuition has increased 40..."

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]]> http://cre.ations.net/creation/dear-ms-waananen http://cre.ations.net/creation/dear-ms-waananen Humor Fri, 21 Jul 2006 13:04:21 -0500 <![CDATA[I'm Giving up Jesus for Lent: A Brief Analysis of Contemporary Morality]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "It isn't often that we're given the opportunity to sit back and reflect deeply on our lives; our achievements and talents, our follies and our faults. New years is one such occasion, and millions of well-intentioned folks the world over resolve each January to better themselves in one way or another. Upstanding Christians like myself, however, are blessed with another opportunity, Lent, to give up those habits we've accumulated over the years that take away from our service to God. Some people fast and others quit smoking, but not me. No, this year I'm giving up Jesus for Lent. Like everything I do for the good Lord himself, I plan to throw myself completely into this project. No half-assing it, no screwing around and just giving up a little Jesus, I'm going all the way and kicking his ass to the curb. For forty days, I'll serve the Lord by being the best damned godless heathen I can be! This isn't going to be some walk in the park like one of those pussy sacrifices either...."

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]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "It isn't often that we're given the opportunity to sit back and reflect deeply on our lives; our achievements and talents, our follies and our faults. New years is one such occasion, and millions of well-intentioned folks the world over resolve each January to better themselves in one way or another. Upstanding Christians like myself, however, are blessed with another opportunity, Lent, to give up those habits we've accumulated over the years that take away from our service to God. Some people fast and others quit smoking, but not me. No, this year I'm giving up Jesus for Lent. Like everything I do for the good Lord himself, I plan to throw myself completely into this project. No half-assing it, no screwing around and just giving up a little Jesus, I'm going all the way and kicking his ass to the curb. For forty days, I'll serve the Lord by being the best damned godless heathen I can be! This isn't going to be some walk in the park like one of those pussy sacrifices either...."

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]]> http://cre.ations.net/creation/im-giving-up-jesus-for-lent-a-brief-analysis-of-contemporary-mor http://cre.ations.net/creation/im-giving-up-jesus-for-lent-a-brief-analysis-of-contemporary-mor Humor Thu, 15 Jun 2006 22:09:58 -0500 <![CDATA[An Open Letter to the ATM]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "What a torrid relationship we have had. We've known each other for what, 7, maybe 8 years now? There have been highs and there have been lows. There were times when you gently took the card from my hands, my fingers danced on your stainless steel keypad, and from your dispensing slot came crisp, neatly stacked twenties. How many times have I grabbed my money in excitement and walked away, only to hear you beeping behind me, as if whispering in your sweet robotic voice, "Don't forget your card, Josh." Sometimes I wonder if you might be my guardian angel. I sometimes think of you as a great sage, dispensing not merely currency, but also divine wisdom if one knows how to ask. If I know just what buttons to push, and I like to think that after so many years together I do, you tell me my balance, be it checking or savings. You know so much about me, and I so little about you. What are you hiding from me beneath your fortified metal exterior? I'd love to find out, if only you'd let me...."

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]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "What a torrid relationship we have had. We've known each other for what, 7, maybe 8 years now? There have been highs and there have been lows. There were times when you gently took the card from my hands, my fingers danced on your stainless steel keypad, and from your dispensing slot came crisp, neatly stacked twenties. How many times have I grabbed my money in excitement and walked away, only to hear you beeping behind me, as if whispering in your sweet robotic voice, "Don't forget your card, Josh." Sometimes I wonder if you might be my guardian angel. I sometimes think of you as a great sage, dispensing not merely currency, but also divine wisdom if one knows how to ask. If I know just what buttons to push, and I like to think that after so many years together I do, you tell me my balance, be it checking or savings. You know so much about me, and I so little about you. What are you hiding from me beneath your fortified metal exterior? I'd love to find out, if only you'd let me...."

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]]> http://cre.ations.net/creation/an-open-letter-to-the-atm http://cre.ations.net/creation/an-open-letter-to-the-atm Humor Thu, 15 Jun 2006 22:02:51 -0500 <![CDATA[An Open Letter to my Misbehaving Toaster]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "You're better than this. Rather, at one point I thought you were. I remember taking you home from the store, wrapped tightly in your shiny packaging. "This is going to be a long and prosperous relationship," I remember thinking to myself as I glanced over at you in the passenger seat on the drive home. For weeks I couldn't help but smile each time I passed you sitting proudly atop my kitchen counter. Nestled between the microwave and the cookbooks, you had the world by the tail. You had everything, and you've gone and ruined it. When you first came into my life you could toast a bagel to perfection. The face was always an even golden brown, not too crispy and not too soft. Just perfect. Remember that time we made eggs benedict together? I cooked the eggs, and you toasted the English muffins. God, we were such a perfect team. I was so proud of you. I loved you. But that's all gone now. You don't toast evenly anymore. You're not even consistent. Sometimes you burn, sometimes you..."

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]]> Created by jlcoke 1 year ago: "You're better than this. Rather, at one point I thought you were. I remember taking you home from the store, wrapped tightly in your shiny packaging. "This is going to be a long and prosperous relationship," I remember thinking to myself as I glanced over at you in the passenger seat on the drive home. For weeks I couldn't help but smile each time I passed you sitting proudly atop my kitchen counter. Nestled between the microwave and the cookbooks, you had the world by the tail. You had everything, and you've gone and ruined it. When you first came into my life you could toast a bagel to perfection. The face was always an even golden brown, not too crispy and not too soft. Just perfect. Remember that time we made eggs benedict together? I cooked the eggs, and you toasted the English muffins. God, we were such a perfect team. I was so proud of you. I loved you. But that's all gone now. You don't toast evenly anymore. You're not even consistent. Sometimes you burn, sometimes you..."

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]]> http://cre.ations.net/creation/an-open-letter-to-my-misbehaving-toaster http://cre.ations.net/creation/an-open-letter-to-my-misbehaving-toaster Humor Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:51:55 -0500